There are certain mall chains that baffle me. I can, for example, understand why most malls of a certain size have an HMV store selling CDs and DVDs. People want to buy CDs, they want to buy DVDs and even though HMV makes you pay through the nose for both of them I have purchased things there. (Yesterday I bought the new Belle and Sebastian record at the HMV in Oakridge). Even though I’ve never purchased anything from a Victoria’s Secret store I can see why people would.

Oh can I ever.

But the one franchise that boggles my mind is the House of Knives [hok]. You’ve seen them, they’re in nearly every medium to large sized mall. They’re a store that features a large selection of expensivly priced Swiss Army Knives, some kitchen knives, survival knives and any sort of knives you can think of. Even fantasy swords. That’s right, if you’ve been looking to buy an elven sword like you say Legolas weilding in the Lord of the Rings movies you can at your local mall, complete with detailed elven script.

Need that bet’leth for the final scene of your Hamlet in Klingon production, well the House of Knives will have it. Want to murder someone with the sword that Santa Claus gave Peter in Narnia? Well guess what…

Now I’m a fan of the Star Trek [bg] but I have never felt any compulsion to buy a bet’leth (nor learn Klingon). Maybe if I was going to perform a ritual suicide it would be a purchase I’d make, that way I wouldn’t worry about blowing $500+ on a sword, but other than that I can’t think of anything I’d buy at the House of Knives.

While waiting for my sushi at ToGo Sushi in Oakridge I wandered around the House of Kinves and started to ask myself, “How the Hell does this place stay in business?”

In my years of shopping at malls that had House of Knives in them I have only ever bought one twenty dollar Swiss Army Knife and have never ever seen anyone buy one of the fantasy swords. Are these stores government funded, so that we always have a handy way to get our hands on Excalibur in case Merlin ever calls Canada to action?

Do you work at the House of Knives, or have you slept with someone who has? Can you let me know what the heck is going on there?

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1. Oakridge, working at
2. From Oakridge with love: With my luck I’ll end up in Richmond
3. $10 for a lion dance
4. Canada wins, as seen from the Oakridge Mall Sony store
5. Mall Mania