Canucks win the Stanley Cup

Happy players at the end of the game, originally uploaded by Stina Magga.

Vancouver – Metroblogging News Service

The Vancouver Canucks last night became the first team to win the Stanley Cup, one game into the National Hockey League season, after smashing the Calgary Flames at home by a score of 6-0. The victory was so decisive that league Commissioner Gary Bettman felt that playing the remaining 81 games of the regular season, and the playoffs was pointless.

“Having reviewed the tapes of the season starting games it’s clear that there is no other team that could compete with the Canucks on the ice,” Bettman said in a press conference this morning where the coveted cup was awarded by podcast recorded from Toronto.

Bettman pointed out that the Canucks have always enjoyed strong season ticket sales, and after years of suffering with little to no playoff success the league felt it was time that the Vancouver fans were honoured for their bandwagon jumping.

Some hockey commentators have argued that there is more behind the league’s decision than one strong on-ice showing. The rumour is that the awarding of the league title is a signal to other teams to follow the board room examples of the Vancouver club.

“We’re seeing a lot of teams with a great deal of debt,” pointed out CBC commentator Ron McLean, “with the credit crisis building in the states there’s a good chance that we’ll see the league losing a lot of the newer expansion teams. To shore up support for one of the bed rock Canadian franchises, and to reward the fiscal suaveness of the Canucks the league decided to award the cup.”

McLean’s co-commentator Don Cherry disagreed, “They’ve got the most Europeans. They’ve got twins. That’s some kind of Swedish wet dream. You know what the Swedes make good, cheap futon frames that you can assemble at home, not hockey players. Hockey is Canadian like beer and repressed emotions leading to domestic violence.  This Stanley Cup heist by the league is just the latest in Euro-coddling.  First they make the boys wear helmets, and you know good old boys from Kingston don’t play with helmets.  Then they make them use these fibershade metal sticks and now this, all because someone in Zurich wanted it.”

Liberal Member of Parliament and former NHL goaltender Ken Dryden agreed that the economy was the main motivating factor.

“The Canucks are masters at this game, and the rest of the league need to learn from them. The team did not even appear to be trying last season, and yet they sold out each and every game. They made millions releasing a new jersey, that continued the franchise’s history of having the ugliest shirt in the NHL and they’re going to do it again this year.”

“That sort of marketing is diabolical, and it’s the sort of thing that teams in Arizona, Florida and other parts of the lower states will need to learn from,” Dryden said.

Bettman stands by the league’s decision, “This isn’t just an award for selling the most prawn sandwiches to the luxury box crowd, it’s based on a dominating performance of hockey in the first game of the season.”

What will happen to the rest this season’s games has yet to been decided. For now they will continue while the league owners debate whether or not to award a second Stanley Cup. The City of Vancouver is making plans to hold the parade/riot to celebrate the victory. Local officials suggest that it will be held in conjunction with the Rogers Santa Clause Parade.

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