Where the heck are his arms?

Then I started thinking, maybe the new movie won’t be a typical Simpsons kind of pop-culture funny-fest. Maybe it’s more like Saw (or Saw II or Saw III…). In a bid to boost the ratings for the TV show, in the movie they’re going to chop Homer’s arms off.

Another example of gratuitous violence in the film industry. Won’t it ever stop?

But in all of these protests that I’ve wandered by on Robson Street, the demonstrators and their signs have always been (at best) silent on the issue of political Islam, anti-Western terrorism and the role of certain Middle Eastern states outside of Israel in promoting hatred and conflict. Meanwhile, much of the peace movement seem pretty well set in in its unspoken (well, unholy, anyway) alliance with militant Islamists. To protest our world’s most urgent conflicts in this way is akin to communicating the sound of one hand clapping – at best, nobody really knows what you’re trying to say.

Today’s protest was different.

There were various groups represented outside the VAG: The Worker-Communist Party of Iran, the Third Camp and others. These people are opposed to Western militarism. They’re no Fox News propagandists.

But today, they were protesting Iran’s atrocious human rights record, persecution of women activists and the torture of political prisoners.

They weren’t doing this to argue for some kind of military response – actually, their sign specifically said no to war. But they were protesting the negative and violent consequences of political Islam – overseas, as well as right here in Canada.

Finally, some of the people who take part in Vancouver’s very active peace movement seem to be making the distinction that protesting brutal anti-Western dictatorships doesn’t make you a stooge of George W. Bush – it just means you have a conscience.

That’s something you don’t see every day. But it is something I hope we see more of.

“Oh, I picked it up from Wings pub when some sucker had his back turned. Picked up a nice laptop bag, too, but the jerk didn’t even have a laptop in it. If I see that cheap bastard again, I’m gonna spit on him.”

“No kidding.”

BAM! SMACK! BONK! SNIKT! KABLOOEY!

Thus ends my revenge fantasy, with me kicking the thief’s butt, with the assistance of the 1960s-era Batman and Robin.

My stuff got stolen tonight when my back was turned. Property crime isn’t anything new in this city and by most standards, my own case is fairly mild.

But I’m still upset. I’m the victim of a crime – and not for the first time in this city. I got attacked by thugs a couple of years back while heading home at night from UBC. Fortunately I was able to defend myself well enough to escape with my brains still safely tucked inside my cranium.

Crime is part of life in the big city. I know that, rationally. But I’m angry – not so much about losing a reliable bag or a nice jacket that was a gift from my wife, but mostly because I know there’s pretty much zero chance of the perpetrators ever getting caught. And even if they were busted, they’d just get sent through our revolving-door justice system and be back on the street in less than an hour.

NOTE TO THE THIEF OF MY STUFF: I recently got a cut on my hand that became infected, for which I have to take antibiotics. I hope you get the flesh-eating disease from my jacket sleeve. Cheers.

Scientists from around the world are converging on our fair city for the fifth International Congress on Hair Research. Does it say something terrible about us that $7 billion gets sucked into an industry for hair transplants and hormone-laced lotions?

Maybe not. Our genes make us perceive people with healthy hair as more attractive, and more attractive means better jobs, better opportunities and a higher success rate for the club-hopping throng. If our basic biology is predisposing us towards shallowness, it’s only appropriate that we use science to deal with our shortcomings.

Last month, the province created 14,000 full-time jobs to lead Canada in employment growth.Gordon Campbell bashers, begone!

One, two, three! Gooooooooooo, ECONOMY!

Hope you get a chance to visit our city under better circumstances next time, ladies. Unfortunately, these types of incidents tend to get a bit overblown in the media. I suspect a lot of Japanese have been forewarned to steer clear of our lovely city for fear of deadly germs.

In the meantime, our readers can have a gander at the amusing little public service announcement above, about measles, courtesy of either a measles-obsessed twelve-year old or an adult with poor drawing skills but a lethal sense of comic timing.

Every time you see tribal art or a mistranslated Chinese character on someone’s sculpted lower back, take a sip of your mountain dew slurpee. You ought to be at the brain freeze stage in about thirty seconds.

See you there, y’all.

Unfortunately for the visitors, their big freeways are already built, just like in virtually every other city in North America, so they’re kind of stuck with them. Best of luck tearing them down, though.

Speaking of pedestrian-friendly, I took a jaunt from Granville Island to Kitsilano beach along the seawall recently. Best walk in the city, period.

Well, if you’re not a flesh-eating zombie.

I do like this one comment from audience member Helen Kuk about the docs on right now that gets straight to the point: “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen films as entertaining, eclectic and smart as DOXA’s, and it’s not because I don’t have cable”.

Helen, I’m glad you enjoyed the show. But who the hell doesn’t have cable? I’m pretty sure that’s just what people say when they want other people to think they read more. No proof. Just a strong suspicion…